So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My vagina just recognized that song.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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