he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is Oprah even human
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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