I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
