I seem to have left my pride at pride
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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