I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
