I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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