I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
