Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
