I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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