Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
