who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
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