So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
