How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
