He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
