i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
