Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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