I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
