I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
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How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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