Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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