My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
