I'm going to jail i love you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
