Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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