My Higher Power is John Stamos
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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