oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
