I accidentally burped into my bong.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
