and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
