kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
