38 yer olds are good kisserssss
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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