There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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