I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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