My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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