I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
