ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
