I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
