Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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