You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
