I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
