if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
