grandma shit on top of the toilet
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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