Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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