I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
