I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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