guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
