I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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