i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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