I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
