Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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