WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
