mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
