Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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