She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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