Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.