i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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