Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
