i already hear my dad disowning me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
